Welcome to 2019. I am another year older, and doing the most natural thing in the last year of the 2010s, hopping onto a trend from the 00s, starting a blog. It is only appropriate, considering that trend forecasts predict that the 2020s will see the return of low rise jeans. So get ready to see a lot more butt crack and Janel’s thoughts in the future (specifically butt crack thoughts).

Personally I look forward to a resurgence of the early 00s (make sure to hold out the AUG sound in AUGHTS when reading this aloud to yourself. Also, side tangent, why didn’t any of us call them the AUGHTS while we were in them? I promise to call attention to the “roaring” 20s every second of 2020 – 2029). I have spent at least 30 hours re-watching Josh Schwartz’s teen drama masterpiece “The O.C.” and I’m excited to see what Paris Hilton was been doing for the past 15 years. Did her tiny dog ever outgrow her tiny purse? Can she compete in a post-Kardashian world? The mental picture of Paris Hilton with butt pads is more than a little horrifying, like a mini-marshmallow on toothpick.

It is 2019 and this is my first public blog post on the listicle, clickbait internet. Let’s get started.


1. Get Married

Yes, 2019 is my last year as a ~single lady~, however being in a committed relationship with the same person for 6 years makes acting like I haven’t been “off the market” for a while a bit absurd. My partner and I started dating exclusively before Tindr was a thing. That basically makes us bygone lovers of a forgotten era.

2. Learn How to Use a Knife

In a few months I am throwing the biggest party of my life for ~120 of my friends and family. This guest list was hand selected to satisfy the requirement of “most likely to buy me fancy kitchen supplies.” After living in several different apartments with a smattering of women I have amassed quite the collection of dull off-brand knives and mismatched silverware. I use both as an excuse to microwave pre-cut frozen vegetables rather than make myself, and my betrothed, a proper meal like the 27-year-old fancy lady that I am.

3. Write a Blog Post

Oh yes. This is a copout. I am not ashamed. I didn’t even wait until #7 to list the thing I’m already doing.

4. Travel Around the World in 80 Days

In August of 2018 I traveled to Mumbai, India and back in the span of 4 days. After a full work day, at midnight I took a 16 hour flight from Mumbai to Toronto, and then a flight from Toronto to Chicago, then another flight from Chicago to Grand Rapids and then finally a drive from Grand Rapids to Kalamazoo. It was the worst. Next time I travel around the world it better take 80 days, with plenty of time for fully extended body naps, no 40 minute long lines for the bathroom, and no one will dare offer me a piping hot and spicy samosa at 7 AM after my body has sat in an upright plank for 7 hours with over 9 hours left in the air.

5. Carry My Husband Across The Threshold

In 2018 I made fair progress on my health and wellness goals. Essentially I managed to not undo any of the progress made in 2017. I spend a lot of time looking in the mirror trying to suss out how much of my musculature is actual and how much is imagined. I have an active imagination and am prone to exaggerate my own achievements so the only way for me to know that I’ve accomplished my strength goals is if I can hoist my adult-man sized partner through a doorway. That way I will know for certain that I am very strong.

6. Read More Books

I read very few books. And of the books I do read they usually have pictures or are written by a famous person, which of course I read with the intention that they will end up in my dreams and my subconscious will imagine that we are great friends. I’m pretty certain I haven’t read a novel cover-to-cover since the Harry Potter series. If I ever hope to actually become great friends with famous people who write books, I need to start reading actual books.

7. Financially Plan For The Future

I want to get really good with money. I want a matched 401K. I want money in the stock market. I want money in the foreign markets. I want money under the dresser, in the mattress. I want to wear money like a dress like Lady Gaga. I want a rainy day fund, and a sunny day fund, and a partly cloudy day fun. I want a little AI machine like Alexa to tell me the weather and then spit wads of cash in my face and I’ll dance like Gene Kelly in “Singin’ in the Rain”

8. Declutter

When we moved into our apartment in May of 2018 several boxes went straight from our old apartment into the attic of our new apartment. Despite the imminent threat posed by the gang of bats that have taken refuge in our stuff, it’s about time I got up there and Marie Kondo’d the heck out of it. Some of it is junk I like very much, like my limited edition Simpsons Kidrobot vinyl figurines. But listen, I have yet to find a pinterest board full of ways to display vinyl figures like a classy adult.

9. Sip a Margarita in a Hot Tub While Watching The Sunset

This will most likely occur when Ben and I take our honeymoon at some undetermined Caribbean island resort. However if my honeymoon plans do not occur as imagined, I am welcome to breaking and entering any number of backyard hot tubs until I find one with an uninterrupted western view and a wide rimmed cup holder.

10. Inspire a Generation

I mean this sort of goes without saying. I am obviously already doing this with just my general vibe and casual approach to providing life-changing wisdom to all within earshot. Specifically this year I will focus on capturing the hearts and minds of my friend’s children. It is a good year for me to cultivate a tiny army of people who have a passing resemblance to my friends. At the very least I can stop them from making TikTok the snapchat of 2019.

2 Replies to “10 REAL (OR FAKE) THINGS I WILL DO IN 2019”

  1. You go girl! You keep killing it!

  2. So cleaver, funny, and authentic. Great stuff! I only hope that half this much wit is expressed in the wedding message (by this half wit) and by whomever are giving the toasts at the reception.

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